Sorry. [ She laughs as she reaches out to play with the petal of a flower. ] I didn't mean to scare you.
[ As usual, she is all ears as he starts to talk, letting him give her the rundown on Richie. She finds herself very curious to meet this boy, and honored that he is revealing so many details. She can already tell that their relationship is growing stronger and that he trusts her.
Another thing strikes her about the way that he talks about Richie, and that is that there are some very real and deep feelings there for his friend. It doesn't bother her any, hell she's been sleeping with women for years. She decides to wait to approach it because it may not be something that he is fully ready to discuss. ]
I can tell that he is very important to you. You have nothing to worry about, I'll make sure to look after him too. Keep all of you safe.
[ And she'll leave the door open for more. As to the other piece she shrugs her shoulders. ]
And don't think for a second I'll mind anything. You should see the way boys behave in the military. I have probably seen it all.
(It's true. Their relationship has only improved over their handful of interactions. Angela continuously proved that she was a reliable adult and someone he could talk to. The fact that she had actually moved in next to him to keep an eye out on him? That was...
It was more than any adult ever bothered with before. Despite his trust, he still can't help but sigh with relief once Angela confirms that she will look out for Richie. He straightens up, cracking his back after having been bent over his plants for so long.)
Yeah...He is. He's special. Thank you. (Eddie gives a small, shy kind of smile.) He's always trying to keep me safe. I know I can't return the favor too well, but I like trying where I can. Even if it means asking someone else.
(It was a blatant lie, though not an intentional one. Eddie was a good reason most of his friends were alive. It isn't something he would ever give himself credit for.
The smile that follows is a bit thinner, and he glances back at the house before looking back at Angela.)
Trust me. Richie's Goddamn awful. It'll give the boys in the military a run for their money. He's so stupid. (Eddie rolls his eyes a bit, shifting around to start clipping at the plants again. This time he's completely severing flowers, removing stalks of them.)
But I'm really happy to have him here. I missed my friends a lot. Do you um- have best friends? (He tugs out some twine from the front of his overalls and begins to twist it around the flowers carefully.)
You deserve safety and anyone who helps you feel safe, is alright in my book. No matter how messy or wild they are.
[ The more he talked about Richie, the more sure she was that Richie was more than just a friend in the eyes of Eddie. The child was so often nervous that it was nice to hear him opening up and talking about something that made him so happy. It brought a smile to her face.
She watched him as he worked in the flowers and started to follow his movements, helping to tend the garden as best she could follow. Gave her something to do as they talked and she laughed when he insisted Richie was terrible. ]
I will be interested to see if he can hold up to people. But between you and me, Jesse McCree is a force to be reckoned with.
[ She was teasing him on that angle and Jesse was a dear friend of hers. Which made her think about his next question. Angela had always been a little bit off in the world of friendship. She easily got along with people, but the way she had rushed through schooling had put her on a different level socially and she hadn't been able to keep up with the classmates. But she thinks about the relationships she had built during Overwatch and it hurts to think about how far away they are now. ]
I do. I have many people that I consider friends, but they are very far away from me, even back home. Life has scattered us across the globe I'm afraid. But Jesse is important to me. And Moira and I are very close.
[ At the mention of Moira it was her turn to blush.]
(Eddie isn't entirely oblivious to himself anymore, but he does his best to try and remain secretive about the Subject. He just wasn't very good at pretending. Never had been.
Angela's words are a reassurance that makes Eddie practically beam with relief. Eddie already trusted Angela more than he did most adults, but this sort of thing solidified that trust even further. And if he saw her being patient with Richie?
It'd seal the deal on Eddie's confidence in Angela.
Even though they were talking, Eddie realized how nice it was to do something so simple with an adult. His mom, despite wanting Eddie around all the time, never actually did anything with him like this. There was no bonding. The only things they ever did together was Sonia dragging Eddie to various appointments.
Eddie's eyes brighten even further at the mention of Jesse.)
I love Jesse! He's a cowboy. (Eddie says 'cowboy' as if this clarifies precisely why he loves Jesse. It might as well. Those heart eyes for Richie develop into star eyes for Jesse.)
He let me wear his cowboy hat, which is probably the coolest thing ever. And he said he knows how to ride horses! (Isn't that awesome, Angela?
But oh....Oh. Eddie turns his head to stare at Angela, his eyes massive and mouth hanging open.
Did Angela just blush?)
I'd hate to live far away from all of my friends. (Which is putting it very, very lightly. Eddie's not thinking too hard about that though. Seeing such a...earnest expression on Angela's face? That's fascinating to him. He sits back onto his calves, trying to puzzle out why she was blushing.)
What. Do you like Jesse? (Despite Eddie's awareness of self, he was still born and bred in a viciously heteronormative society. He still automatically assumes everyone is straight. Hell, the kid had a lot of internalized issues in general about the subject.
Even though that was the case, as soon as Eddie asked the question out loud, it tasted funny in his mouth. Although he thought Jesse was incredibly handsome and capable and amazing and---- okay well, either way, he couldn't really wrap his mind around Angela liking him. Something wasn't quite clicking.)
Well, if Richie is as dear to you as you say, then I am sure he will be dear to me as well. I am glad that you have a friend here to keep you company. It must be kind of lonely being so youngΒ and around all of us boring adults. [ It didn't seem like the other children wanted to play much. ]
[ Angela, being a person who is consistently on the go, rarely took the time to just relax and tend to things like a garden. The day was warm and the weather good. She was actually kind of relieved at the chance to just spend time with Eddie and relax. She knew little about gardening, but watched Eddie work so that she would better get an understanding of it.
He had nothing to be afraid of where Richie was concerned, her tolerance was high and her heart deep. And if she had to step in to calm him down at any point she would do so gently, like a mother hen with her chicks. If he was as important to Eddie as his expression and words showed, she was sure she would come to love him just as much.
She had to laugh at the comments about Jesse. Jesse had a way with kids. He was a goofball at the end of the day and she enjoyed that playful nature.
She was, however, not blushing over Jesse. ]
Oh Jesse and I?
[ She put up a hand and laughed. ]
No, no, no! There is nothing like that between he and I. Though he is a very attractive and humorous person. I think he would give me a heart attack with all his risk taking. [ Not that Moira didn't, but it was in a different way. ] We are very dear friends and no more or less.
Oh Jesus. Whatever you do, don't say that around him. He already doesn't let me live down the fact that I told him I missed him when he got here. (Eddie's blushing more than he had a few seconds ago, but there's a sort of earnest pleasure in it. He was happy about the idea that Richie would become dear to Angela.)
...I can't really remember the last time I seriously played. (Eddie admits this almost embarrassingly, rubbing at the tip of his nose. It felt like a secret he shouldn't admit. After all, he would be thirteen in November. That meant he was entering the time of his life where he really had to start saying good bye to being a kid. Or that's what adults always said anyway. He didn't want to grow up, and he certainly wasn't done playing yet.
But then there's the other part.)
It's hard being around adults. If the adults aren't the ones beating on you, then they're ignoring whoever is. That's how it goes. If it isn't beating, they're trying to control you 'cause they know they got the power to. Me and my friends are so used to that...I'm lucky. I got a year out of Derry to realize some adults aren't so bad, but there's always this knee jerk reaction in me. It makes it harder not having any kids around 'cause of it. (There's no real anger in Eddie's tone. No bitterness. Just quiet acceptance. He isn't trying to guilt Angela either. Instead, he's just trying to be honest.
But there's more here than just his questionable relationship with adults. There's this intriguing subject of romance. It isn't intriguing to him the way it might've been were he a little girl.
It's more that he's getting to the age where he is wondering a little more about romance. It's a subject he's very gently touched now and then, and only ever vaguely. But when she laughs at the idea of Jesse, it leaves Eddie puzzled.)
He is. (Attractive, Eddie means, but he could just as easily mean humorous too. He snorts, his mouth curving into a smirk.) The worst boys are boys who make you screech.
(See: the best boys.
But now there was the question of who she was blushing about. Moira? Eddie looks even more confused. In theory, he knows women can like women. The same way he knows men can like men. But heteronormativity ran deep. Even when he thinks it could be what she meant, he feels uncertain. Then he leans forward towards her, and whispers softly:)
Moira? (There's a sort of nervous edge to his voice, his eyes darting away from Angela as if he expected to see some angry mob at the other side of the yard. After all, they were talking about this in the open - not on a phone or in a closed room. He hoped she'd laugh harder at that than the Jesse thing.)
[ The notion that he likes Richie in a more than familial way solidifies even further as his cheeks redden. She doesnβt intend to press too much because she knows enough about that time in history to know that it may not be something that he is comfortable talking about. Instead she focuses on the other pieces of what he is saying. ]
Well, no one stops playing. Entertainment and play just change as we grow up. What a young child finds fun, a teenager wonβt, and likewise an adult will like doing entirely different things often times. People really should just play more. Even adults like games though. During my Overwatch days, we would sometimes form teams and just play intense games of Capture the Flag. A nice way to blow off steam and just engage each other. I hope you manage to hold on to your sense of fun.
[ Her thoughts shift back to homosexuality as she watches the way he responds to the idea that she might like Moira. It was not as if homophobia had disappeared entirely in the later half of the twenty-first century, but it was less common place and she wants to approach it carefully with him. Not to mention, she isnβt sure about how to explain her relationship with Moira. It was complicated at best and a mess at worst.
Perhaps, she supposes the best way to approach it to normalize the whole thing. ]
Moira? [ Besides, she canβt hide the blush on her cheeks when she thinks of how to even explain it. ]
Donβt look so nervous. [ She gently nudges him. ] Itβs completely normal and a very scientific reality that people can find themselves drawn in physically to the opposite sex. Many have a preference for their own sex even. People donβt always understand it or like it, but there is nothing to be ashamed of.
[ She hoped that would at least allow him the space to relax about the idea. ]
As for Moira...itβs complicated between us. But there was a time I might have called her mine and she might have thought of me as hers. I think there are too many differences between us to make things work. I donβt really know where we stand right now. But you shouldnβt have to worry about the complicated inner workings of my love life.
Seriously? (The idea of Jesse, Angela, and Moira getting involved in a giant game of Capture the Flag made Eddie grin broadly. He couldn't really picture it, and more than that, he couldn't picture who would even win. He automatically wanted to say Jesse out of pure bias, but Moira seemed too efficient to lose, and Angela was Angela.)
...I hope so too. (Eddie had seen his future before, and his future self didn't seem the kind of man who knew a whole lot about what it was like to have a good time. He mostly just seemed to know how let himself stay chained to the worst parts of his past.
Eddie falls completely silent after that though, his expression unusually blank for a boy who was usually so emotive. His face felt hot when she mentioned how it was "normal" for people to sometimes find the same-sex attracted. Every time people talked about it around him, he always felt like there was a giant sign over his head pointing down to him. He begins to pull at some weeds, not looking at Angela anymore.)
There's plenty to be ashamed about when it comes to that stuff. And why shouldn't I be nervous? (He throws his fistful of weeds away from him and to the side.
What baffles him maybe more was how Angela explained her relationship to Moira. Beyond it being two women involved, which was confusing enough, the rest didn't really line up in his head. Only once he thought about it properly did he tip his head up to squint at her rather skeptically.)
Kinda sounds like bullshit, Angie. Sometimes when people are total opposites, it works out in your favor. It's like....They fill out all the empty parts of you. (That's how it felt to Eddie, anyway. Eddie rips out some more weeds, rolling his eyes.)
Puh-lease. It's not worrying if I just wanna know how someone I care about is doing. Besides. Moira's nice. (Eddie says this as though it's completely obvious.) She didn't make fun me after she saw um-. She saw this thing of me. She didn't make me feel bad about it. And let me hug her. So maybe you're not as different as you think.
I have fond memories of our games together. [ It was a funny idea. Then there were the sports they all indulged in together in their downtime but for the most part it really was more work than play. She just didn't want to tell him that.
Considering the time that he has been raised in, it's not surprising that homosexuality is so frowned upon and that he doesn't have the best reaction to it. She briefly worries how he would respond to her own attraction to women. Then again, he adores Chloe and Chloe is openly attracted to women. She doesn't usually lay her own sexuality on the table because she just doesn't talk much about it and it's not a huge deal in her eyes. She is more embarrassed by the fact that it's Moira that has a hold on her than it being a woman. She isn't sure people would have the best reaction to their Mercy laying with the devil. Not that she would let it stop her, it's just something she's carried around since the fall of Overwatch. ]
This may come as a surprise, but in the future sexualities other than straight men and women are pretty widely accepted. Marriage laws passed during the turn of the century and many same sex couples are open and affectionate in public. It may not be widely accepted now, but someday it's much more open.
[ She won't bother to say it's still not fully accepted, because all he needs to know is that it will be protected and is okay.
Very few people call her 'Angie' and yet it feels so natural coming from him, so the nickname makes her chuckle. But at the further pressing of Moira she goes to help him dig up some weeds. He has such a point and it brings a fresh blush to her cheeks. Moira was everything that fit into the holes in her personality. Where she had flaws, Moira blossomed, and where Moira had flaws, she drew out the best in her. Together they made a hell of a team both on the battle field and in the laboratory. Their work built off each other. They were the very definition of yin and yang and it was beautiful. However, they also had some differences that challenged them in ways that led them to a lot of emotional turmoil. And after a whirlwind history she wasn't sure where she lay with Moira. ]
Well, I am doing well. And Moira is nice. She hides it well, but is a good heart behind all of those walls. She just doesn't always bother with it anymore.
Wait...she let you hug her? [ Now that was interesting, and it took the attention off of her romantic life. ]
cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
(As with most systems of hatred and bigotry, it was never just one simple angle to examine the situation from. Chloe was literally the only person, as of right now, that he could discuss his sexuality with and even then, he always remained generally vague and nondescript. But he could make jokes with her about it, talk about boys and let her talk about girls. When he didn't think too hard, he could let it be easy.
But it wasn't always easy. He was convinced that same-sex couples didn't really exist, or if they did, they usually wound up being killed, beaten up, arrested, or shipped off to some psych ward to be fixed. That's all he knew.
And that violence was kept for queer boys, not queer girls, all because his era practically erased the lesbian experience. It didn't help that female-female intimacy was normalized in the social eye. Eddie automatically did assume two girls holding hands or cuddling were just good ole fashioned gal pals because that's what society told him was the norm. So a part of his bigotry towards lesbianism came from the kinda shitty fact that he didn't really see it as valid.
Then again, he didn't really see his own feelings as valid either. He didn't think he was allowed to be happy, didn't think he had any right to have feelings for his best friend. Eddie thought that he would surely burn up in hell for it whenever he got around to dying.
The thing was this: Eddie didn't know healthy, happy queer couples. He had met plenty of queer women over the past year, but all of them had either been with men or they had been single. He only recently just realized Gansey and Kieren had a healthy relationship going on, but he never saw Gansey out in public with Kieren either, which Eddie couldn't blame him for. Eddie was positive that it was too dangerous for same-sex couples to be out in public in a together-together way.
So his feelings on the matter were just...too complicated. Angela's words do little to comfort him as he sits back onto his calves and stares at her. He's heard it before. That it gets better in the future, but Eddie looks skeptical. Though...It is the first time he's heard about marriage, and he can't help but laugh at how ridiculous it sounds to him.)
What do you mean marriage? How the hell does that even work? (Eddie didn't even look disgusted. He just looked sincerely confused. He was told that marriage was mostly to make babies and he was pretty positive that couldn't be done between same-sex couples...Right? Adoption doesn't even occur to him- nor does anything else.)
Yeah well, that's in the future and this isn't the future, in case you didn't get the memo. You go out there on the streets and people are still gonna throw you off a bridge 'cause you're a queer.
(Eddie gets back to weeding, sniffing loudly.)
Yeeeup. She said that she's not used to that kinda thing, but just cause someone isn't used to something doesn't mean it's a thing they don't do or don't want, you know? I don't think Moira hides being nice at all. She's really honest. (Eddie pauses, frowning down at the flowers, and then he looks at Angela in the eye.) I think honesty is like...The kindest thing a person can do for you.
cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
[ For once Angela isn't entirely sure how to respond to Eddie about the whole thing. It's clear to her that he has internalized the viewpoints of his generation. Still it's always a tough thing to hear. Luckily she's secure enough in herself that she doesn't really take that personally and Eddie is so young and impressionable that she believes if he did hear some other messages that it might stick. She also has a feeling that his feelings for his friend are not platonic and so his hesitancy towards queer relationships may partly be insecurity in his own feelings. No matter what his reasons, she trusts Eddie and cares about him and tries not to take any of it personally.
She won't fight him on his feelings about the whole matter because she knows that won't help. She'll just work within his comfort zone, as she does every other interaction they have. Teaching is a far better tool than correcting anyway. ]
You are right. That is in the future. From what I know about the 1950s you come from a time that isn't very open to the idea and marriage is less about love and more about family and expectation. Those ideals shift a bit later on in the century and even more at the turn. Marriage becomes more about just committing to one another and about love. People rarely have more than two children anymore. When marriage is about an expression of love than you figure out that there are many ways to express love.
[ Very gently she adds. ] Sometimes you find out you are married to your very best friend in the whole world. Be that a man or a woman.
But for now I know it's scary and not something that is always approved of. It's okay if you are nervous about it. [ She thinks for a moment before offering. ] You know, I have had relationships with men... but... [ There is the smallest hint of hesitancy in her own voice. ] my relationships with women have been more meaningful to me.
[ And now she can just hope that Eddie won't reject her, that he won't back away or be disgusted by her. Funny how she felt so momentarily worried that she might lose him over the whole thing. ]
And Moira is well...she was...one of my most meaningful relationships. Even if it ended. Part of what drew me to her was that honesty. I always knew where I stood with her. Like you, I know she is nice and even kind. The world turned it's back on her so I think some of that kindness was damaged, but the woman I knew was very special. She had the opportunity to change the world for the better. [ She sighs, and it's clear from the look in her eyes that the love is not gone. ] I just wish she had taken it.
Sorry, I don't know if you really want to know any of this. [ But at least she was being completely real with him. ]
cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
(Angela's intuition is practically spot on. Although the idea of same-sex relationships at times frightens him, it doesn't repulse him from the people he loves. That was both a gift and probably Eddie's biggest flaw. It was the very same reason why it had always been so, so very hard for him to go against his mother's tears. Sonia had known how soft and loyal her son was, and she had always used that burning love inside of him against him. Weaponized it, made it something to tame and control him with.
And he knew it by now. He knew she would make herself cry. As much as he wanted to hate her for it, and as much as he sometimes did hate her for it, he knew that somewhere deep inside of him there would always be a candle burning for her. It's the same candle that makes him yearn so desperately for a maternal figure. It's the same candle that has him clinging to any shred of decency and love Angela was willing to give to him. Trust was something else entirely. Some part of Eddie still expected damage to be done, but that paranoia grew softer the closer he grew with Angela.
And a conversation like this? A conversation that would have had his real mother's lip curling in disgust? It makes Eddie feel...oh...Oh, so many feels that he can't tell where to begin. It hurts a little bit like how a toothache hurt, like maybe if he clenched down hard enough, the pain would ease up. Thinking about marriage being for love draws up the sharp memory of that slip of a possible-future he had seen where his medicine cabinet had been shallow and a man had been calling for him with a familiar nickname. It makes his face burn up with shame, like Angela somehow might be able to peel his head open and poke right at the very rotten thing Moira herself had seen under the deck of the Neibolt house.
He felt a little queasy.
Sometimes you find out you are married to your very best friend-. Maybe she meant nothing by it. But it makes his lungs shrivel up like balloons with the air let out of them. Old habits die hard. Some never die at all, and Eddie's digging his inhaler. He's embarrassed to use it in front of her when he knows she knows it's fake, but he's scrabbling here. He shoots it off into his mouth and lets the placebo do its job. Eddie rests the back of his hand against his mouth, staring up at Angela, still listening despite the ringing in his ears. His expression doesn't waver when she had said she also slept with women. Bisexuality- he had no word for it at all, but he knew it existed by now.
It used to confuse him a lot more, and it still kind of did, but then again, so did everything about orientations in general- even heterosexuality. He exhales slowly, and when he inhales, he feels somehow steadier. Maybe Angela had been scared to tell him, and for good reason, but truthfully, even Eddie realized that there was some courage in Angela telling him this. He had seen her as an angel since he had first properly met her, but in that moment, he saw her as maybe more of a valkyrie. His entire head was filled with roaring white noise, but then Angela's words ring back through to him, and Eddie's dazed, surprised.)
Ended? (It's the first word he's spoken in several minutes, and it felt foreign in his mouth, kind of like how it felt after you said a word so much you forgot if you were saying it right to begin with. Her honesty was like a salve, it's true, and it's something that would only bring Eddie closer. He craved this kind of thing. How could he ever trust someone if they didn't trust him first?
Eddie thinks. He isn't thinking as hard as he had been about women with women or men with men. That's the funny thing. The general stuff was scary, but narrow in on someone specific? Suddenly not so intense. He wets his lips, pinching them into an unsatisfied line a second later.)
I'm pretty sure you mean the woman you know. She's not dead. (Eddie knows Angela knows this. That isn't why he's saying it. He's having one of those moments where his age was limiting him on how exactly he knew how to say something. He shifts around in the dirt, inhaler still clutched in his hand, but he looks much steadier than he had a few minutes ago.)
I'm not really sure we pick who we love either, you know. I'm not an idiot. If I could pick someone to love, it'd be Greta Bowie. (The Perfect Girl who Eddie knew he was supposed to love. And maybe he had at some point when he was nine years old. He couldn't tell remember a single thing about her except the wispy memory of sun burnt shoulders and blond hair. More than that, he remembered her beautiful yard and the gorgeous houses all around her. At nine, he had been a dumb kid whose momma had been hissing into his ear about how the people who lived near Greta were disgusting queers and that's why their house had been so well kept.
Eddie had always thought that that queer couple's house had been the prettiest house in all of Derry. )
But if we wound up picking the person we want to love, I think we'd be surprised by how fucking miserable that would make us. We don't know who the hell we're supposed to be with, but I think maybe the universe does, and I'm not so sure it's up to us to want something different from the person we love. They are who they are, and even when it's super annoying and really frustrating, you gotta trust that...some part of them always is gonna match up with some part of you. I dunno. I guess I don't know enough about the world to tell you how to feel, but I guess it just sounds like somewhere along the way, you guys took two different steps in the opposite direction.
Re: cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
[ Ahhh, the presence of his inhaler. The very thing that he reached for when he was feeling overwhelmed. A placebo of sorts. It didnβt mean that it didnβt work, but it also wasnβt necessary on a medical level. Angela was no psychologist, though her empathy had given her a great talent in the preliminary courses that she had taken in university and medical school. She hadnβt pursued because her talents led her to physical medicine and science, but she was a rare doctor who had a strong bedside manner and an ability to connect fundamentally with her patients. Perhaps that was one reason she was so talented with medicine. She didnβt just treat the disease, she never lost sight of the person she was treating. This was a situation in which she knew that medicine -even fake medicine- was not necessary, but perhaps the crutch of it was.
For the time being she let that go merely making a mental plan to work with Eddie on some coping skills she used with trauma patients when they were in crisis. Her best guess remained that this was his way of dealing with the topic and that it brought him great anxiety. Such a pity really, because Angela had a feeling that someday Eddie was going to be cornered by the fact that his own sexuality may not line up with the Greta Bowies of the world.
Angela knew little about wanting to be a sexuality she wasnβt. She never envied straight couples or wanted to be straight. Her focus had been less on her dating and sexual identity and more on her school and work identity. There had been times where she had fallen into bed with boys for the mere reason of searching out connection, but she had found her time with men dull. With Moira she had had passion and an intensity that was so fired up partly because they conflicted so passionately. Even if they didnβt always see eye to eye they were more alike than Angela always wanted to admit and they provided each other with a complete balance. She didnβt have to search too hard for a reason as to why she seemed to continuously find herself close to Moira. ]
You see, Moira and I have very different approaches to our work. Sometimes when you stand on such different moral ground, itβs hard to make a relationship last.
[ She didnβt really want to tell him that Moira was now working for a terrorist team whose leader wanted her dead, it was so complicated that she wasnβt even sure how to fully explain it. Besides maybe he was right. Maybe the universe had a bigger hand in everything that was going on anyway. Somehow she and Moira always ended up being in the same vicinity and doing similar things with their work. They were both ultimately doctors and scientists so they ran into each other. And now here they were being put together in Deerington for whatever reason and coming together again. ]
For such a young boy you never cease to amaze me with your intelligence. You could be right, maybe the universe keeps pushing us together for a reason. I really donβt know what she wants though, so I donβt suggest playing matchmaker.
[ She paused momentarily before adding. ]
Just make sure that when you find someone, itβs a person who you want and not whom society says is the βidealβ person. If I am anything to go off of, I know you can find love in unlikely places.
Re: cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
(Being around Angela was almost as calming as it was to be around the Losers. Not quite entirely, but Eddie was positive that the bond he had to the Losers was a unique thing separate from most relationships. Maybe that was his childhood speaking to the only sense of belonging he had ever really had back in Derry, or maybe it was a strange displacement that occurred between adults and children whether or not you loved and trusted an adult. But all the same, it isn't to devalue how important it was that he felt calm around her period. Most adults frightened him half to death just by looking at him, by hovering near him. They made it so easy for Eddie to begin to panic about how he looked, what he was doing, and how exactly that adult might be judging him.
Eddie never worried about that with Angela. Of course, with his issues, he always had some humming anxiety at the back of his mind with any of his interactions- Losers, Angela, and everyone else alike. But it was easily quieted by reassuring words, touches. By Angela, and others, just being good and kind to him. Like right now, even as his mind split wide open to begin ripping into his most tender insecurities, Angela's effortless calmness made it so everything didn't feel quite so big and loud.
She wasn't staring him down with critical eyes. She wasn't talking with sharp words about how disgusting some part of him was. There was no violence in Angela, no cruelty. There was just this soft, endless acceptance that Eddie still didn't know what to do with coming from an adult.
Oh, he was already in that corner of sexual insecurity. Had been since last summer, really, when Beverly started to hang out with the boys and Eddie never could wrap his mind around why Ben and Bill drooled after her. He's spent the past year working back and forth against himself, and he still sometimes wondered if it would just be easier to ignore things. Most of the time, that's precisely what he did.
For some reason, the idea of him playing matchmaker strikes him as absurd. Absurd enough that a laugh is startled out of him and he closes his hand over his mouth before he drops it away.)
Sorry. I'm not trying to play matchmaker. Trust me, I'd suck at matchmaking. I don't....Romance and all that shit- It's...You could talk to my friend Ben about that stuff any day. But me? I'm...(He gestures to himself and then laughs a little. Eddie might be softer than the rest of the guys in his group. He liked clothing and liked looking nice, enjoyed flowers, and was on the smaller side. But a romantic? No. Ben was the one who wrote love poems. Eddie's idea of flirting usually involved telling Richie that he wasn't a complete asshole.)
I guess it's hard for me to tell the difference between friendship and love sometimes, and maybe just thinking of you guys not being friends anymore is what bothers me most.
(For Eddie, those lines were often blurred. Half the time he was around Richie, he couldn't figure out exactly what was making him blush so badly. It was endlessly confusing, and Eddie would love to go back in time to before he was aware of this kind of bullshit.
Then he's growing quiet and serious again, those gray eyes of him darkening and seeming to grow in size somehow. He tugs at some more weeds, slower this time.)
...I haven't told you before. But I've seen my future, you know. (Eddie spares Angela a brief smile, but it's not a happy smile.)
It's not a future I want. And it's...It's like what society has told me to want, but more than that, what my mom has made me feel I deserve or that I need. I marry some woman who's just like my momma. In every way. From her personality to her-. (Looks. Eddie can't stand to say it though, his face burning with shame, and he rips at some more weeds.)
And in that future, my medicine cabinet is more full than ever. It's even got quaaludes in it. Can you believe that shit? (What those would be for...Well.)
cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
I think every group of friends has that one person who plays matchmaker and likes the romantic stuff. [ She wondered who that would be in their group. Certainly not herself. Lena maybe? Lena wanted everyone to be happy. Not to mention she was deliriously in love herself. Most of them though took their work far more seriously than romance.
She would have understood the push to feel attraction to someone. She had tried to fit in for a time with her peers. But she hadnβt really ever understood the men they drooled over and she had found it exhausting. Eventually she had stopped worrying about it, she hoped Eddie would find that peace someday too.
Though it didnβt sound like it, because as he talked about who he married and what she was liked, it sounded like he was going to be stuck in a relationship that didnβt work for him. She wished there was something she could do to protect him from a future like that. Often times she had heard that children married some version of her parents. If she was being honest she wasnβt even sure she knew who her parents were enough to marry someone like them. Still from everything Eddie had told her it wasnβt a good thing that he had gotten married to a woman like his mother.
No wonder there was sedatives in his medicine cabinet and he hadnβt been able to quit all of the drugs. Not for the first time she wished that there was some way that she could take him away from that life. ]
Society has that way about it. I canβt even say that the future is much better, itβs just bigotry in a different way. Humans are notorious for pushing what they want onto everyone else and telling you that you are wrong for wanting to choose a different path. Itβs a very normal thing to end up stuck on the same path our parents choose for us. I also hope for you that there are other possible futures out there that have a better outcome for you.
And I probably donβt need to tell you, but be careful with the quaaludes.
(Eddie had felt similarly to Angela but in the opposite. There was this trucker's place back home in Derry who had his desk by one of the windows. Hanging over that desk was a pinup calendar and the window outside his office was spotless from how many of the Derry boys would stop by, wipe at the glass, and peer inside to get a glimpse at that month's centerfold.
Eddie had never understood the appeal, though he had gone through with the motions. He had wiped at that glass and peered in, tried to wrap his mind around what was so appealing about the naked curves of the woman presenting herself for the world to see.
He always turned bright red, knowing he shouldn't really be looking at that kind of thing, but his buddies and the other boys would figure he was blushing for other reasons. It worked fine enough for Eddie.
Then he'd go and play ball with the rest of them, or rather, sit on the sidelines and stare at the way the boys would throw the ball back and forth and would feel a good deal more interest in the shapes of their calves and how their shoulders looked when they had thrown a particularly perfect ball. It was so much more interesting to him than those naked ladies on that calendar.
Marrying a woman was bad enough in Eddie's opinion, but marrying a woman like his mother? That was something else, and Eddie hated the idea of it. Eddie's staring at his fingernails then, at the dirt collected under them. He can't help but think about how if his momma were here, she'd have a fit at those hands.)
I've seen how I die too, you know. (He doesn't know why he says it. It has nothing to do with marriage at all. Except...Maybe it does. His face feels a bit warm, and Eddie shifts around before he can think twice. His face goes to rest against Angela's chest and he slumps against her, quiet for a long while.)
I don't want to go back home ever, Angie. I never told you before, but -. (His voice wavers, cracks.)
I don't want to go back. Going back means losing my friends, being chained to momma for my life even long after she's gone, and it means taking quaaludes to try and be with a lady how people want me to be with a lady, and it means dying down in some fuckin' sewer.
[ Pretending to be something you weren't was an incredibly exhausting and so Angela had no doubt that Eddie was fighting a very hard battle.
At the mention of death Angela swallows roughly. She doesn't want to even think about him dying. Death is a huge area of struggle for her and with a life littered with loss. She worked hard to conquer those deaths and she knows that in that moment that Eddie dies, she won't be there to wave her staff and reverse it.
As soon his head falls to her chest and arm goes around him to hold him there. She's sure that he can hear the steady beat of her heart and wonders if it's as soothing to him as it is to her when she is close to someone. Her fingers move to stroke through his hair in another effort to soothe. Just the fact he would rather stay in a place that is so filled with terror is telling of his situation back home. ]
Who knows what will happen next. Maybe our lives are being altered as we sit here talking. Coming here certainly was not forecasted. Maybe we can do something to fix your future here.
[ She had hope. Angela always held on to hope.]
cw: literally every warning to exist in Eddie's canon. child death + horrors etc
(Eddie knows he's way too young to keep doing this kind of thing, but he's always been underdeveloped in every kind of way. That and his mother complex ran deep, so it's not much of a surprise when Eddie completely pulls himself into Angela's lap. He wraps his arms up around her and clings. Panic fluttered in his chest wildly, and it's been some time since he's spoken about this to anyone.
He bobs his head against her shoulder slowly.)
I hope that- I hope that all the time. You know a couple months back when we saw those weird moments and everything was kinda hazy? I saw a future then too. Only it was different. I was- I was married to someone I think I wanna marry- and my cabinet was normal. And I was real happy in it.
(Eddie leans back, and his eyes have gone bright with tears. For once though, they don't fall, because he knows he needs to tell Angela the truth about his life. Mostly so she knows. Cause his life is too big sometimes. He slowly eases back and shows her his palms. They are dirty, yes, but she's got a good medical eye and no doubt will instantly noticed how badly scarred his hands are. It looked like there was a star burst of scars on each hand.)
Back home, there was this um. This ...I don't know. It was this being from- from before everything existed. It was just...fear. Raw fear. Knew all your insecurities and what you were most afraid of. And it would- um. It would hunt children mostly, but it made our whole town rotten. It usually looked like a clown, but it'd change to- to whatever...
(Eddie sucks at telling this story sometimes, only because he can feel himself shifting out of reality. Dissociation, but he doesn't know it, his face going a little blank and his limbs felt wooden and stiff.)
None of the adults ever noticed it in town. There were all- all these kids dying and the adults would just...Forget. Put up posters over the old ones. Move on.
(Eddie's tongue felt thick and heavy, the words coming out slowly.)
One of those kids was - Bill's little brother. He's the leader of our group and um- has this stutter? He's amazing. But he lost Georgie about a year ago in October and...After that, everything got so bad. Or maybe...maybe it was after Dorsey's daddy killed him, I dunno. But things go bad in Derry, Angie, real bad, and we had no one to go to. Adults wouldn't listen to you, and God didn't listen either. So it was just us- us lucky seven. (His fingers wiggle loosely to get the blood flowing again and he sucks in a shallow breath.)
I can't tell you how it happened exactly. Or maybe I can and I just don't know how to work it good right now, but we managed to stop It. Went into the sewers where It lived and we- we stopped it. But we made this promise? To come back to Derry if It ever did. And that's what happens in the future. The future I saw. It came back when we were all older- like old as you maybe. And when we go to fight it for a second time, I don't make it. Sorry- I'm real sorry. I know it's....It's so much.
Re: cw: literally every warning to exist in Eddie's canon. child death + horrors etc
[ She nearly falls back when she suddenly has the entire weight of the boy in her lap, but she catches herself and is quick to envelop him and steady them together. She lets herself be that safe place to go to as he starts to tell her about all the things in his world. It's more than she had really expected. She knew things were bad, but a town with adults that didn't even listen to the children and ignored their deaths. It sounded awful. Having lived in her own war torn world, she knew how bad people could be to each other, but this was a different kind of cruelty.
It wreaked of the same thing that made humans destroy innocent omnics because they thought them lesser. Just cold and horribly cruelty because man had to be cruel to those smaller than them.
It was a lot to take in but she followed what he was saying. It was a relief to know that he had seen potentially a different future. In her mind the future was not set in stone until it became the present and so she would hold out hope that there was something for Eddie Kaspbrak to look forward to. He wanted him happy. In a marriage with the person that he loved and with his medicine cabinet not even needed save for the occasional flu or cold medicine. A future where he could be happy with his friends. ]
There is no need to apologize. You can always talk to me about anything. I hope you know that by now.
[ Words weren't coming easily in response to the rest of what he was saying. She had been in situations where it was her responsibility to tell someone their loved one was dead, but words were never easy when the death of children was involved.]
Your town and it's adults sounds like it's failing you on a monumental level. There are no words for how sorry I am. But what you are saying only confirms that I was right about just how brave you are.
[ She placed a kiss to the crown of his head. ] To go back to your childhood and face that, even at the risk of your life. I know a girl who would say that the world needs heroes just like you.
(It's always more than people expect. To this day, Eddie never knew when to tell the story or who to tell it too. Some adults would never believe him, and he knew that, but he had hoped and thought that maybe Angela would. Maybe some part of him felt assured since Moira had seen It herself. Right in the flesh. Though he hadn't really explained it much to her. He wasn't so sure he had to. Didn't take a genius to figure out that the leper that had attacked Eddie wasn't human- and Moira is a genius, so you know.
He gives her a very long, somber look, not blinking once. It was a bit more like he was looking somewhere inside of her rather than just at her face, and after some time, he nodded.)
I know. I wouldn't be telling you all this stuff if I didn't. (That's all there was to it. Eddie was pretty simple. Adults scared him enough to drive him away. Even though he liked a lot of the adults here, that didn't mean he trusted them, necessarily.
Eddie shrugs very slowly, looking down at his lap.)
I'm not brave, Angie. My friends are. Without them, I'm nothing. It's only because of them that I would ever go back.
(He blushes at the kiss for no reason other than it's unexpected and makes him feel warm. Eddie doesn't think his mother has ever kissed him for any reason besides wanting to check his fever. He blushes harder when she says what she does next.)
I'm not a hero either. That girl- she'd be wrong. All this freaky stuff happening in Deerington and I'm fine with hiding in my room. If something were hurting you or Chloe or Richie, then yeah, I'd come out..but otherwise..
(He shakes his head. He wasn't gonna be on the front lines anywhere. But there's more. There's the one important thing. Eddie raises his arm, the one with his tattoo on it and shows it to Angela.)
You ever hear of the Achilles heel? Cause I'm pretty sure this is mine. I've broken this arm a whole bunch, and when I get killed, this is how I go. IT eats my arm and I bleed out in Richie's arms and I-.
(Eddie gags on the last word. Purely because it's still hard to talk about, and he winds up covering his mouth, staring over at the house.)
Richie doesn't know. I don't know how to tell him.
[ As a scientist Angela always faced things with a thread of doubt until she had had a chance to dig in and experiment with it. That being said, she also knew that there were many things that she did not understand and that because certain things couldn't be experimented on she couldn't dismiss them either. Deerington had further pushed her into a mindset that maybe the world was vastly different then she had thought it to be.
And she also trusted Eddie. If he had a reality that she wasn't familiar with, that didn't mean that his reality was wrong. She trusted him and she trusted his experiences. That showed in her features and in the way she did not even for a moment dismiss anything that he was saying to her. And while she may have once thought it merely a children's nightmare or the conjured up image of a stressed mind, she was different now. She knew now that there were vastly different realities and she trusts whole heartedly that this is his experience.
Adding to that how angered she was that anyone would torture him and her friends. She wanted to take this monster that haunted his daily life and show him the hot end of her pistol. ]
Sometimes bravery is in who we choose to surround ourselves with. Besides, you are young yet. There are many ways in which it's completely justified that you want to hide out in your room and wait for the rest of us to take care of it. That doesn't make you a coward. Sometimes what people consider bravery is stupidity in disguise.
[ At the mention of him getting his arm eaten and it being how he dies, the fire burns even worse in her belly. She doesn't care what this monster is, she would find a way to destroy him if she ever saw him near him.
She holds him a little tighter, forcing her emotions to not show too much. ]
Thank you for sharing it with me. I'll do what I can on my end to protect you or get you to a better place. And I can't tell you how or if you should tell Richie, but I think when the time is right you will know what to say. Don't let it sit for too long, it will eat you alive holding a secret like that.
[ She, meanwhile, still held hope there would be a different future for the boy. ]
It's hard for me to do that. The um- wait for adults to take care of things. (And now she kind of knows a bit more why. Sonia was one thing, but the adults of Derry were another. Kid's not had much to rely on in terms of outward help.)
I don't even know how to ask adults for help most of the time. (Even when he needed it the most. He would sooner rush to his friends or sprint away from his problems than ask an adult. It was something he was trying to work on.
It would also later be a giant red flag when he lures people out to the corn maze.
Angela taking down IT would certainly be a sight to see, but truthfully, he hoped she never would have to encounter IT. He holds her back, knowing that this is probably not the easiest thing to hear. After he had told Majima about how he died, Majima took up a quiet habit of always walking on the side of Eddie where he'd lost his arm in the future. Back when Bill was around, he'd done the same thing. Eddie wasn't so sure if that kind of caution would do much in the long run, but maybe it didn't matter sometimes.
Belief, after all, was impossibly strong. That's what he'd found out. Him and all his friends down there in the sewers.)
You don't gotta thank me. You're the one who...(Eddie trails off, his voice going soft before stopping entirely. He chews on his lower lip, before eventually figuring out what it is he wanted to say.)
You're the one who makes me feel safe enough to talk to you about stuff. You already help. Those pills you gave me work really nice and they make my head a lot quieter sometimes. (Not all the times, but it helped a hell of a lot more than the hokey medicine Sonia used to have him on. He didn't use them too responsibly, but he was getting better. Slowly. And it was thanks to Angela.
He squirms a tiny bit, because God, she was right. Secrets kept from his best friend wasn't exactly the kind of thing he liked the idea of. He hoped there was a different future for himself too. It's why he was trying to open up, why he was trying to learn himself better, talk to Angela more openly.
There's enough gratitude in him for this woman that he doesn't really know what to do with it. So he thinks of a simple gesture, one he's only really ever bothered with with his closest friends, and he leans up to give Angela a kiss on the cheek. Then he's out of her lap, hands back into the garden, and his ears burning a little.)
You deserve to be happy, you know. (And that, maybe, is the closest thing he can think of to express his gratitude.) I love you and I think- I think you deserve it. Being happy. I mean.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
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[ As usual, she is all ears as he starts to talk, letting him give her the rundown on Richie. She finds herself very curious to meet this boy, and honored that he is revealing so many details. She can already tell that their relationship is growing stronger and that he trusts her.
Another thing strikes her about the way that he talks about Richie, and that is that there are some very real and deep feelings there for his friend. It doesn't bother her any, hell she's been sleeping with women for years. She decides to wait to approach it because it may not be something that he is fully ready to discuss. ]
I can tell that he is very important to you. You have nothing to worry about, I'll make sure to look after him too. Keep all of you safe.
[ And she'll leave the door open for more. As to the other piece she shrugs her shoulders. ]
And don't think for a second I'll mind anything. You should see the way boys behave in the military. I have probably seen it all.
[ She nudges him with her shoulder. ]
Nothing phases me.
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It was more than any adult ever bothered with before. Despite his trust, he still can't help but sigh with relief once Angela confirms that she will look out for Richie. He straightens up, cracking his back after having been bent over his plants for so long.)
Yeah...He is. He's special. Thank you. (Eddie gives a small, shy kind of smile.) He's always trying to keep me safe. I know I can't return the favor too well, but I like trying where I can. Even if it means asking someone else.
(It was a blatant lie, though not an intentional one. Eddie was a good reason most of his friends were alive. It isn't something he would ever give himself credit for.
The smile that follows is a bit thinner, and he glances back at the house before looking back at Angela.)
Trust me. Richie's Goddamn awful. It'll give the boys in the military a run for their money. He's so stupid. (Eddie rolls his eyes a bit, shifting around to start clipping at the plants again. This time he's completely severing flowers, removing stalks of them.)
But I'm really happy to have him here. I missed my friends a lot. Do you um- have best friends? (He tugs out some twine from the front of his overalls and begins to twist it around the flowers carefully.)
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[ The more he talked about Richie, the more sure she was that Richie was more than just a friend in the eyes of Eddie. The child was so often nervous that it was nice to hear him opening up and talking about something that made him so happy. It brought a smile to her face.
She watched him as he worked in the flowers and started to follow his movements, helping to tend the garden as best she could follow. Gave her something to do as they talked and she laughed when he insisted Richie was terrible. ]
I will be interested to see if he can hold up to people. But between you and me, Jesse McCree is a force to be reckoned with.
[ She was teasing him on that angle and Jesse was a dear friend of hers. Which made her think about his next question. Angela had always been a little bit off in the world of friendship. She easily got along with people, but the way she had rushed through schooling had put her on a different level socially and she hadn't been able to keep up with the classmates. But she thinks about the relationships she had built during Overwatch and it hurts to think about how far away they are now. ]
I do. I have many people that I consider friends, but they are very far away from me, even back home. Life has scattered us across the globe I'm afraid. But Jesse is important to me. And Moira and I are very close.
[ At the mention of Moira it was her turn to blush.]
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Angela's words are a reassurance that makes Eddie practically beam with relief. Eddie already trusted Angela more than he did most adults, but this sort of thing solidified that trust even further. And if he saw her being patient with Richie?
It'd seal the deal on Eddie's confidence in Angela.
Even though they were talking, Eddie realized how nice it was to do something so simple with an adult. His mom, despite wanting Eddie around all the time, never actually did anything with him like this. There was no bonding. The only things they ever did together was Sonia dragging Eddie to various appointments.
Eddie's eyes brighten even further at the mention of Jesse.)
I love Jesse! He's a cowboy. (Eddie says 'cowboy' as if this clarifies precisely why he loves Jesse. It might as well. Those heart eyes for Richie develop into star eyes for Jesse.)
He let me wear his cowboy hat, which is probably the coolest thing ever. And he said he knows how to ride horses! (Isn't that awesome, Angela?
But oh....Oh. Eddie turns his head to stare at Angela, his eyes massive and mouth hanging open.
Did Angela just blush?)
I'd hate to live far away from all of my friends. (Which is putting it very, very lightly. Eddie's not thinking too hard about that though. Seeing such a...earnest expression on Angela's face? That's fascinating to him. He sits back onto his calves, trying to puzzle out why she was blushing.)
What. Do you like Jesse? (Despite Eddie's awareness of self, he was still born and bred in a viciously heteronormative society. He still automatically assumes everyone is straight. Hell, the kid had a lot of internalized issues in general about the subject.
Even though that was the case, as soon as Eddie asked the question out loud, it tasted funny in his mouth. Although he thought Jesse was incredibly handsome and capable and amazing and---- okay well, either way, he couldn't really wrap his mind around Angela liking him. Something wasn't quite clicking.)
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[ Angela, being a person who is consistently on the go, rarely took the time to just relax and tend to things like a garden. The day was warm and the weather good. She was actually kind of relieved at the chance to just spend time with Eddie and relax. She knew little about gardening, but watched Eddie work so that she would better get an understanding of it.
He had nothing to be afraid of where Richie was concerned, her tolerance was high and her heart deep. And if she had to step in to calm him down at any point she would do so gently, like a mother hen with her chicks. If he was as important to Eddie as his expression and words showed, she was sure she would come to love him just as much.
She had to laugh at the comments about Jesse. Jesse had a way with kids. He was a goofball at the end of the day and she enjoyed that playful nature.
She was, however, not blushing over Jesse. ]
Oh Jesse and I?
[ She put up a hand and laughed. ]
No, no, no! There is nothing like that between he and I. Though he is a very attractive and humorous person. I think he would give me a heart attack with all his risk taking. [ Not that Moira didn't, but it was in a different way. ] We are very dear friends and no more or less.
cw: implied child abuse, internalized homophobia
...I can't really remember the last time I seriously played. (Eddie admits this almost embarrassingly, rubbing at the tip of his nose. It felt like a secret he shouldn't admit. After all, he would be thirteen in November. That meant he was entering the time of his life where he really had to start saying good bye to being a kid. Or that's what adults always said anyway. He didn't want to grow up, and he certainly wasn't done playing yet.
But then there's the other part.)
It's hard being around adults. If the adults aren't the ones beating on you, then they're ignoring whoever is. That's how it goes. If it isn't beating, they're trying to control you 'cause they know they got the power to. Me and my friends are so used to that...I'm lucky. I got a year out of Derry to realize some adults aren't so bad, but there's always this knee jerk reaction in me. It makes it harder not having any kids around 'cause of it. (There's no real anger in Eddie's tone. No bitterness. Just quiet acceptance. He isn't trying to guilt Angela either. Instead, he's just trying to be honest.
But there's more here than just his questionable relationship with adults. There's this intriguing subject of romance. It isn't intriguing to him the way it might've been were he a little girl.
It's more that he's getting to the age where he is wondering a little more about romance. It's a subject he's very gently touched now and then, and only ever vaguely. But when she laughs at the idea of Jesse, it leaves Eddie puzzled.)
He is. (Attractive, Eddie means, but he could just as easily mean humorous too. He snorts, his mouth curving into a smirk.) The worst boys are boys who make you screech.
(See: the best boys.
But now there was the question of who she was blushing about. Moira? Eddie looks even more confused. In theory, he knows women can like women. The same way he knows men can like men. But heteronormativity ran deep. Even when he thinks it could be what she meant, he feels uncertain. Then he leans forward towards her, and whispers softly:)
Moira? (There's a sort of nervous edge to his voice, his eyes darting away from Angela as if he expected to see some angry mob at the other side of the yard. After all, they were talking about this in the open - not on a phone or in a closed room. He hoped she'd laugh harder at that than the Jesse thing.)
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Well, no one stops playing. Entertainment and play just change as we grow up. What a young child finds fun, a teenager wonβt, and likewise an adult will like doing entirely different things often times. People really should just play more. Even adults like games though. During my Overwatch days, we would sometimes form teams and just play intense games of Capture the Flag. A nice way to blow off steam and just engage each other. I hope you manage to hold on to your sense of fun.
[ Her thoughts shift back to homosexuality as she watches the way he responds to the idea that she might like Moira. It was not as if homophobia had disappeared entirely in the later half of the twenty-first century, but it was less common place and she wants to approach it carefully with him. Not to mention, she isnβt sure about how to explain her relationship with Moira. It was complicated at best and a mess at worst.
Perhaps, she supposes the best way to approach it to normalize the whole thing. ]
Moira? [ Besides, she canβt hide the blush on her cheeks when she thinks of how to even explain it. ]
Donβt look so nervous. [ She gently nudges him. ] Itβs completely normal and a very scientific reality that people can find themselves drawn in physically to the opposite sex. Many have a preference for their own sex even. People donβt always understand it or like it, but there is nothing to be ashamed of.
[ She hoped that would at least allow him the space to relax about the idea. ]
As for Moira...itβs complicated between us. But there was a time I might have called her mine and she might have thought of me as hers. I think there are too many differences between us to make things work. I donβt really know where we stand right now. But you shouldnβt have to worry about the complicated inner workings of my love life.
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...I hope so too. (Eddie had seen his future before, and his future self didn't seem the kind of man who knew a whole lot about what it was like to have a good time. He mostly just seemed to know how let himself stay chained to the worst parts of his past.
Eddie falls completely silent after that though, his expression unusually blank for a boy who was usually so emotive. His face felt hot when she mentioned how it was "normal" for people to sometimes find the same-sex attracted. Every time people talked about it around him, he always felt like there was a giant sign over his head pointing down to him. He begins to pull at some weeds, not looking at Angela anymore.)
There's plenty to be ashamed about when it comes to that stuff. And why shouldn't I be nervous? (He throws his fistful of weeds away from him and to the side.
What baffles him maybe more was how Angela explained her relationship to Moira. Beyond it being two women involved, which was confusing enough, the rest didn't really line up in his head. Only once he thought about it properly did he tip his head up to squint at her rather skeptically.)
Kinda sounds like bullshit, Angie. Sometimes when people are total opposites, it works out in your favor. It's like....They fill out all the empty parts of you. (That's how it felt to Eddie, anyway. Eddie rips out some more weeds, rolling his eyes.)
Puh-lease. It's not worrying if I just wanna know how someone I care about is doing. Besides. Moira's nice. (Eddie says this as though it's completely obvious.) She didn't make fun me after she saw um-. She saw this thing of me. She didn't make me feel bad about it. And let me hug her. So maybe you're not as different as you think.
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Considering the time that he has been raised in, it's not surprising that homosexuality is so frowned upon and that he doesn't have the best reaction to it. She briefly worries how he would respond to her own attraction to women. Then again, he adores Chloe and Chloe is openly attracted to women. She doesn't usually lay her own sexuality on the table because she just doesn't talk much about it and it's not a huge deal in her eyes. She is more embarrassed by the fact that it's Moira that has a hold on her than it being a woman. She isn't sure people would have the best reaction to their Mercy laying with the devil. Not that she would let it stop her, it's just something she's carried around since the fall of Overwatch. ]
This may come as a surprise, but in the future sexualities other than straight men and women are pretty widely accepted. Marriage laws passed during the turn of the century and many same sex couples are open and affectionate in public. It may not be widely accepted now, but someday it's much more open.
[ She won't bother to say it's still not fully accepted, because all he needs to know is that it will be protected and is okay.
Very few people call her 'Angie' and yet it feels so natural coming from him, so the nickname makes her chuckle. But at the further pressing of Moira she goes to help him dig up some weeds. He has such a point and it brings a fresh blush to her cheeks. Moira was everything that fit into the holes in her personality. Where she had flaws, Moira blossomed, and where Moira had flaws, she drew out the best in her. Together they made a hell of a team both on the battle field and in the laboratory. Their work built off each other. They were the very definition of yin and yang and it was beautiful. However, they also had some differences that challenged them in ways that led them to a lot of emotional turmoil. And after a whirlwind history she wasn't sure where she lay with Moira. ]
Well, I am doing well. And Moira is nice. She hides it well, but is a good heart behind all of those walls. She just doesn't always bother with it anymore.
Wait...she let you hug her? [ Now that was interesting, and it took the attention off of her romantic life. ]
cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
But it wasn't always easy. He was convinced that same-sex couples didn't really exist, or if they did, they usually wound up being killed, beaten up, arrested, or shipped off to some psych ward to be fixed. That's all he knew.
And that violence was kept for queer boys, not queer girls, all because his era practically erased the lesbian experience. It didn't help that female-female intimacy was normalized in the social eye. Eddie automatically did assume two girls holding hands or cuddling were just good ole fashioned gal pals because that's what society told him was the norm. So a part of his bigotry towards lesbianism came from the kinda shitty fact that he didn't really see it as valid.
Then again, he didn't really see his own feelings as valid either. He didn't think he was allowed to be happy, didn't think he had any right to have feelings for his best friend. Eddie thought that he would surely burn up in hell for it whenever he got around to dying.
The thing was this: Eddie didn't know healthy, happy queer couples. He had met plenty of queer women over the past year, but all of them had either been with men or they had been single. He only recently just realized Gansey and Kieren had a healthy relationship going on, but he never saw Gansey out in public with Kieren either, which Eddie couldn't blame him for. Eddie was positive that it was too dangerous for same-sex couples to be out in public in a together-together way.
So his feelings on the matter were just...too complicated. Angela's words do little to comfort him as he sits back onto his calves and stares at her. He's heard it before. That it gets better in the future, but Eddie looks skeptical. Though...It is the first time he's heard about marriage, and he can't help but laugh at how ridiculous it sounds to him.)
What do you mean marriage? How the hell does that even work? (Eddie didn't even look disgusted. He just looked sincerely confused. He was told that marriage was mostly to make babies and he was pretty positive that couldn't be done between same-sex couples...Right? Adoption doesn't even occur to him- nor does anything else.)
Yeah well, that's in the future and this isn't the future, in case you didn't get the memo. You go out there on the streets and people are still gonna throw you off a bridge 'cause you're a queer.
(Eddie gets back to weeding, sniffing loudly.)
Yeeeup. She said that she's not used to that kinda thing, but just cause someone isn't used to something doesn't mean it's a thing they don't do or don't want, you know? I don't think Moira hides being nice at all. She's really honest. (Eddie pauses, frowning down at the flowers, and then he looks at Angela in the eye.) I think honesty is like...The kindest thing a person can do for you.
cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
She won't fight him on his feelings about the whole matter because she knows that won't help. She'll just work within his comfort zone, as she does every other interaction they have. Teaching is a far better tool than correcting anyway. ]
You are right. That is in the future. From what I know about the 1950s you come from a time that isn't very open to the idea and marriage is less about love and more about family and expectation. Those ideals shift a bit later on in the century and even more at the turn. Marriage becomes more about just committing to one another and about love. People rarely have more than two children anymore. When marriage is about an expression of love than you figure out that there are many ways to express love.
[ Very gently she adds. ] Sometimes you find out you are married to your very best friend in the whole world. Be that a man or a woman.
But for now I know it's scary and not something that is always approved of. It's okay if you are nervous about it. [ She thinks for a moment before offering. ] You know, I have had relationships with men... but... [ There is the smallest hint of hesitancy in her own voice. ] my relationships with women have been more meaningful to me.
[ And now she can just hope that Eddie won't reject her, that he won't back away or be disgusted by her. Funny how she felt so momentarily worried that she might lose him over the whole thing. ]
And Moira is well...she was...one of my most meaningful relationships. Even if it ended. Part of what drew me to her was that honesty. I always knew where I stood with her. Like you, I know she is nice and even kind. The world turned it's back on her so I think some of that kindness was damaged, but the woman I knew was very special. She had the opportunity to change the world for the better. [ She sighs, and it's clear from the look in her eyes that the love is not gone. ] I just wish she had taken it.
Sorry, I don't know if you really want to know any of this. [ But at least she was being completely real with him. ]
cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
And he knew it by now. He knew she would make herself cry. As much as he wanted to hate her for it, and as much as he sometimes did hate her for it, he knew that somewhere deep inside of him there would always be a candle burning for her. It's the same candle that makes him yearn so desperately for a maternal figure. It's the same candle that has him clinging to any shred of decency and love Angela was willing to give to him. Trust was something else entirely. Some part of Eddie still expected damage to be done, but that paranoia grew softer the closer he grew with Angela.
And a conversation like this? A conversation that would have had his real mother's lip curling in disgust? It makes Eddie feel...oh...Oh, so many feels that he can't tell where to begin. It hurts a little bit like how a toothache hurt, like maybe if he clenched down hard enough, the pain would ease up. Thinking about marriage being for love draws up the sharp memory of that slip of a possible-future he had seen where his medicine cabinet had been shallow and a man had been calling for him with a familiar nickname. It makes his face burn up with shame, like Angela somehow might be able to peel his head open and poke right at the very rotten thing Moira herself had seen under the deck of the Neibolt house.
He felt a little queasy.
Sometimes you find out you are married to your very best friend-. Maybe she meant nothing by it. But it makes his lungs shrivel up like balloons with the air let out of them. Old habits die hard. Some never die at all, and Eddie's digging his inhaler. He's embarrassed to use it in front of her when he knows she knows it's fake, but he's scrabbling here. He shoots it off into his mouth and lets the placebo do its job. Eddie rests the back of his hand against his mouth, staring up at Angela, still listening despite the ringing in his ears. His expression doesn't waver when she had said she also slept with women. Bisexuality- he had no word for it at all, but he knew it existed by now.
It used to confuse him a lot more, and it still kind of did, but then again, so did everything about orientations in general- even heterosexuality. He exhales slowly, and when he inhales, he feels somehow steadier. Maybe Angela had been scared to tell him, and for good reason, but truthfully, even Eddie realized that there was some courage in Angela telling him this. He had seen her as an angel since he had first properly met her, but in that moment, he saw her as maybe more of a valkyrie. His entire head was filled with roaring white noise, but then Angela's words ring back through to him, and Eddie's dazed, surprised.)
Ended? (It's the first word he's spoken in several minutes, and it felt foreign in his mouth, kind of like how it felt after you said a word so much you forgot if you were saying it right to begin with. Her honesty was like a salve, it's true, and it's something that would only bring Eddie closer. He craved this kind of thing. How could he ever trust someone if they didn't trust him first?
Eddie thinks. He isn't thinking as hard as he had been about women with women or men with men. That's the funny thing. The general stuff was scary, but narrow in on someone specific? Suddenly not so intense. He wets his lips, pinching them into an unsatisfied line a second later.)
I'm pretty sure you mean the woman you know. She's not dead. (Eddie knows Angela knows this. That isn't why he's saying it. He's having one of those moments where his age was limiting him on how exactly he knew how to say something. He shifts around in the dirt, inhaler still clutched in his hand, but he looks much steadier than he had a few minutes ago.)
I'm not really sure we pick who we love either, you know. I'm not an idiot. If I could pick someone to love, it'd be Greta Bowie. (The Perfect Girl who Eddie knew he was supposed to love. And maybe he had at some point when he was nine years old. He couldn't tell remember a single thing about her except the wispy memory of sun burnt shoulders and blond hair. More than that, he remembered her beautiful yard and the gorgeous houses all around her. At nine, he had been a dumb kid whose momma had been hissing into his ear about how the people who lived near Greta were disgusting queers and that's why their house had been so well kept.
Eddie had always thought that that queer couple's house had been the prettiest house in all of Derry. )
But if we wound up picking the person we want to love, I think we'd be surprised by how fucking miserable that would make us. We don't know who the hell we're supposed to be with, but I think maybe the universe does, and I'm not so sure it's up to us to want something different from the person we love. They are who they are, and even when it's super annoying and really frustrating, you gotta trust that...some part of them always is gonna match up with some part of you. I dunno. I guess I don't know enough about the world to tell you how to feel, but I guess it just sounds like somewhere along the way, you guys took two different steps in the opposite direction.
Re: cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
For the time being she let that go merely making a mental plan to work with Eddie on some coping skills she used with trauma patients when they were in crisis. Her best guess remained that this was his way of dealing with the topic and that it brought him great anxiety. Such a pity really, because Angela had a feeling that someday Eddie was going to be cornered by the fact that his own sexuality may not line up with the Greta Bowies of the world.
Angela knew little about wanting to be a sexuality she wasnβt. She never envied straight couples or wanted to be straight. Her focus had been less on her dating and sexual identity and more on her school and work identity. There had been times where she had fallen into bed with boys for the mere reason of searching out connection, but she had found her time with men dull. With Moira she had had passion and an intensity that was so fired up partly because they conflicted so passionately. Even if they didnβt always see eye to eye they were more alike than Angela always wanted to admit and they provided each other with a complete balance. She didnβt have to search too hard for a reason as to why she seemed to continuously find herself close to Moira. ]
You see, Moira and I have very different approaches to our work. Sometimes when you stand on such different moral ground, itβs hard to make a relationship last.
[ She didnβt really want to tell him that Moira was now working for a terrorist team whose leader wanted her dead, it was so complicated that she wasnβt even sure how to fully explain it. Besides maybe he was right. Maybe the universe had a bigger hand in everything that was going on anyway. Somehow she and Moira always ended up being in the same vicinity and doing similar things with their work. They were both ultimately doctors and scientists so they ran into each other. And now here they were being put together in Deerington for whatever reason and coming together again. ]
For such a young boy you never cease to amaze me with your intelligence. You could be right, maybe the universe keeps pushing us together for a reason. I really donβt know what she wants though, so I donβt suggest playing matchmaker.
[ She paused momentarily before adding. ]
Just make sure that when you find someone, itβs a person who you want and not whom society says is the βidealβ person. If I am anything to go off of, I know you can find love in unlikely places.
Re: cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
Eddie never worried about that with Angela. Of course, with his issues, he always had some humming anxiety at the back of his mind with any of his interactions- Losers, Angela, and everyone else alike. But it was easily quieted by reassuring words, touches. By Angela, and others, just being good and kind to him. Like right now, even as his mind split wide open to begin ripping into his most tender insecurities, Angela's effortless calmness made it so everything didn't feel quite so big and loud.
She wasn't staring him down with critical eyes. She wasn't talking with sharp words about how disgusting some part of him was. There was no violence in Angela, no cruelty. There was just this soft, endless acceptance that Eddie still didn't know what to do with coming from an adult.
Oh, he was already in that corner of sexual insecurity. Had been since last summer, really, when Beverly started to hang out with the boys and Eddie never could wrap his mind around why Ben and Bill drooled after her. He's spent the past year working back and forth against himself, and he still sometimes wondered if it would just be easier to ignore things. Most of the time, that's precisely what he did.
For some reason, the idea of him playing matchmaker strikes him as absurd. Absurd enough that a laugh is startled out of him and he closes his hand over his mouth before he drops it away.)
Sorry. I'm not trying to play matchmaker. Trust me, I'd suck at matchmaking. I don't....Romance and all that shit- It's...You could talk to my friend Ben about that stuff any day. But me? I'm...(He gestures to himself and then laughs a little. Eddie might be softer than the rest of the guys in his group. He liked clothing and liked looking nice, enjoyed flowers, and was on the smaller side. But a romantic? No. Ben was the one who wrote love poems. Eddie's idea of flirting usually involved telling Richie that he wasn't a complete asshole.)
I guess it's hard for me to tell the difference between friendship and love sometimes, and maybe just thinking of you guys not being friends anymore is what bothers me most.
(For Eddie, those lines were often blurred. Half the time he was around Richie, he couldn't figure out exactly what was making him blush so badly. It was endlessly confusing, and Eddie would love to go back in time to before he was aware of this kind of bullshit.
Then he's growing quiet and serious again, those gray eyes of him darkening and seeming to grow in size somehow. He tugs at some more weeds, slower this time.)
...I haven't told you before. But I've seen my future, you know. (Eddie spares Angela a brief smile, but it's not a happy smile.)
It's not a future I want. And it's...It's like what society has told me to want, but more than that, what my mom has made me feel I deserve or that I need. I marry some woman who's just like my momma. In every way. From her personality to her-. (Looks. Eddie can't stand to say it though, his face burning with shame, and he rips at some more weeds.)
And in that future, my medicine cabinet is more full than ever. It's even got quaaludes in it. Can you believe that shit? (What those would be for...Well.)
cw: some severe homophobia & internalized homophoba.
She would have understood the push to feel attraction to someone. She had tried to fit in for a time with her peers. But she hadnβt really ever understood the men they drooled over and she had found it exhausting. Eventually she had stopped worrying about it, she hoped Eddie would find that peace someday too.
Though it didnβt sound like it, because as he talked about who he married and what she was liked, it sounded like he was going to be stuck in a relationship that didnβt work for him. She wished there was something she could do to protect him from a future like that. Often times she had heard that children married some version of her parents. If she was being honest she wasnβt even sure she knew who her parents were enough to marry someone like them. Still from everything Eddie had told her it wasnβt a good thing that he had gotten married to a woman like his mother.
No wonder there was sedatives in his medicine cabinet and he hadnβt been able to quit all of the drugs. Not for the first time she wished that there was some way that she could take him away from that life. ]
Society has that way about it. I canβt even say that the future is much better, itβs just bigotry in a different way. Humans are notorious for pushing what they want onto everyone else and telling you that you are wrong for wanting to choose a different path. Itβs a very normal thing to end up stuck on the same path our parents choose for us. I also hope for you that there are other possible futures out there that have a better outcome for you.
And I probably donβt need to tell you, but be careful with the quaaludes.
cw: ...eddie's entire canon ok ok
Eddie had never understood the appeal, though he had gone through with the motions. He had wiped at that glass and peered in, tried to wrap his mind around what was so appealing about the naked curves of the woman presenting herself for the world to see.
He always turned bright red, knowing he shouldn't really be looking at that kind of thing, but his buddies and the other boys would figure he was blushing for other reasons. It worked fine enough for Eddie.
Then he'd go and play ball with the rest of them, or rather, sit on the sidelines and stare at the way the boys would throw the ball back and forth and would feel a good deal more interest in the shapes of their calves and how their shoulders looked when they had thrown a particularly perfect ball. It was so much more interesting to him than those naked ladies on that calendar.
Marrying a woman was bad enough in Eddie's opinion, but marrying a woman like his mother? That was something else, and Eddie hated the idea of it. Eddie's staring at his fingernails then, at the dirt collected under them. He can't help but think about how if his momma were here, she'd have a fit at those hands.)
I've seen how I die too, you know. (He doesn't know why he says it. It has nothing to do with marriage at all. Except...Maybe it does. His face feels a bit warm, and Eddie shifts around before he can think twice. His face goes to rest against Angela's chest and he slumps against her, quiet for a long while.)
I don't want to go back home ever, Angie. I never told you before, but -. (His voice wavers, cracks.)
I don't want to go back. Going back means losing my friends, being chained to momma for my life even long after she's gone, and it means taking quaaludes to try and be with a lady how people want me to be with a lady, and it means dying down in some fuckin' sewer.
no subject
At the mention of death Angela swallows roughly. She doesn't want to even think about him dying. Death is a huge area of struggle for her and with a life littered with loss. She worked hard to conquer those deaths and she knows that in that moment that Eddie dies, she won't be there to wave her staff and reverse it.
As soon his head falls to her chest and arm goes around him to hold him there. She's sure that he can hear the steady beat of her heart and wonders if it's as soothing to him as it is to her when she is close to someone. Her fingers move to stroke through his hair in another effort to soothe. Just the fact he would rather stay in a place that is so filled with terror is telling of his situation back home. ]
Who knows what will happen next. Maybe our lives are being altered as we sit here talking. Coming here certainly was not forecasted. Maybe we can do something to fix your future here.
[ She had hope. Angela always held on to hope.]
cw: literally every warning to exist in Eddie's canon. child death + horrors etc
He bobs his head against her shoulder slowly.)
I hope that- I hope that all the time. You know a couple months back when we saw those weird moments and everything was kinda hazy? I saw a future then too. Only it was different. I was- I was married to someone I think I wanna marry- and my cabinet was normal. And I was real happy in it.
(Eddie leans back, and his eyes have gone bright with tears. For once though, they don't fall, because he knows he needs to tell Angela the truth about his life. Mostly so she knows. Cause his life is too big sometimes. He slowly eases back and shows her his palms. They are dirty, yes, but she's got a good medical eye and no doubt will instantly noticed how badly scarred his hands are. It looked like there was a star burst of scars on each hand.)
Back home, there was this um. This ...I don't know. It was this being from- from before everything existed. It was just...fear. Raw fear. Knew all your insecurities and what you were most afraid of. And it would- um. It would hunt children mostly, but it made our whole town rotten. It usually looked like a clown, but it'd change to- to whatever...
(Eddie sucks at telling this story sometimes, only because he can feel himself shifting out of reality. Dissociation, but he doesn't know it, his face going a little blank and his limbs felt wooden and stiff.)
None of the adults ever noticed it in town. There were all- all these kids dying and the adults would just...Forget. Put up posters over the old ones. Move on.
(Eddie's tongue felt thick and heavy, the words coming out slowly.)
One of those kids was - Bill's little brother. He's the leader of our group and um- has this stutter? He's amazing. But he lost Georgie about a year ago in October and...After that, everything got so bad. Or maybe...maybe it was after Dorsey's daddy killed him, I dunno. But things go bad in Derry, Angie, real bad, and we had no one to go to. Adults wouldn't listen to you, and God didn't listen either. So it was just us- us lucky seven. (His fingers wiggle loosely to get the blood flowing again and he sucks in a shallow breath.)
I can't tell you how it happened exactly. Or maybe I can and I just don't know how to work it good right now, but we managed to stop It. Went into the sewers where It lived and we- we stopped it. But we made this promise? To come back to Derry if It ever did. And that's what happens in the future. The future I saw. It came back when we were all older- like old as you maybe. And when we go to fight it for a second time, I don't make it. Sorry- I'm real sorry. I know it's....It's so much.
Re: cw: literally every warning to exist in Eddie's canon. child death + horrors etc
It wreaked of the same thing that made humans destroy innocent omnics because they thought them lesser. Just cold and horribly cruelty because man had to be cruel to those smaller than them.
It was a lot to take in but she followed what he was saying. It was a relief to know that he had seen potentially a different future. In her mind the future was not set in stone until it became the present and so she would hold out hope that there was something for Eddie Kaspbrak to look forward to. He wanted him happy. In a marriage with the person that he loved and with his medicine cabinet not even needed save for the occasional flu or cold medicine. A future where he could be happy with his friends. ]
There is no need to apologize. You can always talk to me about anything. I hope you know that by now.
[ Words weren't coming easily in response to the rest of what he was saying. She had been in situations where it was her responsibility to tell someone their loved one was dead, but words were never easy when the death of children was involved.]
Your town and it's adults sounds like it's failing you on a monumental level. There are no words for how sorry I am. But what you are saying only confirms that I was right about just how brave you are.
[ She placed a kiss to the crown of his head. ] To go back to your childhood and face that, even at the risk of your life. I know a girl who would say that the world needs heroes just like you.
no subject
He gives her a very long, somber look, not blinking once. It was a bit more like he was looking somewhere inside of her rather than just at her face, and after some time, he nodded.)
I know. I wouldn't be telling you all this stuff if I didn't. (That's all there was to it. Eddie was pretty simple. Adults scared him enough to drive him away. Even though he liked a lot of the adults here, that didn't mean he trusted them, necessarily.
Eddie shrugs very slowly, looking down at his lap.)
I'm not brave, Angie. My friends are. Without them, I'm nothing. It's only because of them that I would ever go back.
(He blushes at the kiss for no reason other than it's unexpected and makes him feel warm. Eddie doesn't think his mother has ever kissed him for any reason besides wanting to check his fever. He blushes harder when she says what she does next.)
I'm not a hero either. That girl- she'd be wrong. All this freaky stuff happening in Deerington and I'm fine with hiding in my room. If something were hurting you or Chloe or Richie, then yeah, I'd come out..but otherwise..
(He shakes his head. He wasn't gonna be on the front lines anywhere. But there's more. There's the one important thing. Eddie raises his arm, the one with his tattoo on it and shows it to Angela.)
You ever hear of the Achilles heel? Cause I'm pretty sure this is mine. I've broken this arm a whole bunch, and when I get killed, this is how I go. IT eats my arm and I bleed out in Richie's arms and I-.
(Eddie gags on the last word. Purely because it's still hard to talk about, and he winds up covering his mouth, staring over at the house.)
Richie doesn't know. I don't know how to tell him.
no subject
And she also trusted Eddie. If he had a reality that she wasn't familiar with, that didn't mean that his reality was wrong. She trusted him and she trusted his experiences. That showed in her features and in the way she did not even for a moment dismiss anything that he was saying to her. And while she may have once thought it merely a children's nightmare or the conjured up image of a stressed mind, she was different now. She knew now that there were vastly different realities and she trusts whole heartedly that this is his experience.
Adding to that how angered she was that anyone would torture him and her friends. She wanted to take this monster that haunted his daily life and show him the hot end of her pistol. ]
Sometimes bravery is in who we choose to surround ourselves with. Besides, you are young yet. There are many ways in which it's completely justified that you want to hide out in your room and wait for the rest of us to take care of it. That doesn't make you a coward. Sometimes what people consider bravery is stupidity in disguise.
[ At the mention of him getting his arm eaten and it being how he dies, the fire burns even worse in her belly. She doesn't care what this monster is, she would find a way to destroy him if she ever saw him near him.
She holds him a little tighter, forcing her emotions to not show too much. ]
Thank you for sharing it with me. I'll do what I can on my end to protect you or get you to a better place. And I can't tell you how or if you should tell Richie, but I think when the time is right you will know what to say. Don't let it sit for too long, it will eat you alive holding a secret like that.
[ She, meanwhile, still held hope there would be a different future for the boy. ]
no subject
I don't even know how to ask adults for help most of the time. (Even when he needed it the most. He would sooner rush to his friends or sprint away from his problems than ask an adult. It was something he was trying to work on.
It would also later be a giant red flag when he lures people out to the corn maze.
Angela taking down IT would certainly be a sight to see, but truthfully, he hoped she never would have to encounter IT. He holds her back, knowing that this is probably not the easiest thing to hear. After he had told Majima about how he died, Majima took up a quiet habit of always walking on the side of Eddie where he'd lost his arm in the future. Back when Bill was around, he'd done the same thing. Eddie wasn't so sure if that kind of caution would do much in the long run, but maybe it didn't matter sometimes.
Belief, after all, was impossibly strong. That's what he'd found out. Him and all his friends down there in the sewers.)
You don't gotta thank me. You're the one who...(Eddie trails off, his voice going soft before stopping entirely. He chews on his lower lip, before eventually figuring out what it is he wanted to say.)
You're the one who makes me feel safe enough to talk to you about stuff. You already help. Those pills you gave me work really nice and they make my head a lot quieter sometimes. (Not all the times, but it helped a hell of a lot more than the hokey medicine Sonia used to have him on. He didn't use them too responsibly, but he was getting better. Slowly. And it was thanks to Angela.
He squirms a tiny bit, because God, she was right. Secrets kept from his best friend wasn't exactly the kind of thing he liked the idea of. He hoped there was a different future for himself too. It's why he was trying to open up, why he was trying to learn himself better, talk to Angela more openly.
There's enough gratitude in him for this woman that he doesn't really know what to do with it. So he thinks of a simple gesture, one he's only really ever bothered with with his closest friends, and he leans up to give Angela a kiss on the cheek. Then he's out of her lap, hands back into the garden, and his ears burning a little.)
You deserve to be happy, you know. (And that, maybe, is the closest thing he can think of to express his gratitude.) I love you and I think- I think you deserve it. Being happy. I mean.
(What to do with all these emotions.)