Moira's strength faltered as she felt Angela collapse against her, her own eyes closing as she tried to keep her balance and return the tight hold. She focused on her own breathing for a moment, trying to keep herself as calm and collected as she ever was, even in the middle of a crisis, trying to block out the fear and the pain that she could hear in her girlfriend's cries. It was hard to not been torn apart by guilt, by the what ifs that Reyes had tried to get her to stop playing over in her head with very little success.
She'd failed her. No matter how anyone tried to tell her otherwise, it was all she could feel. She had promised to protect her from this place and she had failed.
There were quiet shushing noises that finally managed to escape her, her grip on her tightening, one hand continuing to rub her back. "You're safe now." Here. With her. She would find a way to make sure that this place wouldn't take her from her again.
It took several moments, but she did start to relax in her arms. Little by little the confusion of being shifted between two worlds was starting to ease. The reality of the life that was around her, and had been waiting for her, came more clearly into mental focus. There was Moira and the familiar feel of her with the strong, but thin frame that held so tightly to her. She smelled of slightly of chemicals with lingering hints of plain soap and whatever shampoo Angela had been keeping around. It was pleasant and it began to alleviate the worst of the terror she was feeling. Her stomach had momentarily settled, but she was still trembling from the jolt back to life and the violent episode of vomiting.
Slowly her grip eased up and the crying subsided. She'd feel embarrassed about it later, but she was dizzy and tired and aching all over. She had a brief moment where she was afraid she was had come back only to still have the virus. She glanced down at her hands and found no signs of broken flesh. She breathed a sigh of relief.
"Sorry," she whimpered more clearly than she previously had and looked up at her. There was the smallest of smiles on her lips and her eyes were full of love and adoration. "I suppose I can offer myself as your test subject now." It was completely a joke, in hopes of lightening the tension in the air.
The joke fell flat. At least, if the look on Moira's face was any indication of how she felt about it had anyway. She went to pick her up without comment, laying her back down in the bed, before she moved to grab her a glass of water and a bowl to spit out the taste in. She had been prepared for this, thankfully, having studied death and its outcomes enough now. It was a bonus to her having had 'test subjects' thus far.
"You'll likely be a bit disoriented for the first twenty-four hours. Paranoia is not uncommon either. You'll want to keep hydrated and fed. I've made some soup, you'll eat it whether you're hungry or not. It's better to have something in your stomach than to dry heave and you know it." All business, apparently, because otherwise it meant confronting her emotions and that was out of the question.
"Be sure to stay in bed. I don't want to hear any excuses."
As soon as she was picked up her head went to rest against Moira’s from the second wave of dizziness that followed. She was terribly weak and felt terrible. She tried to console herself by the fact that this did not feel as horrible as the last illness had felt, but it was just a different kind of misery. At least there wasn’t any risk of her dying again from it.
She could pick up on a coldness from Moira, and in her sensitive state it made her feel small and overwhelmed. She wasn’t sure what had happened with Moira after she had been gone or during her time in the world of the dead. Angela could recall the way it had felt when Moira had started to take the life from her. In her state, it hadn’t last long and it had felt almost like simply falling. It had been a surprisingly welcoming feeling and she was been able to just let go. The thought of it made her throat tighten and she tried to refrain from another sob. Maybe it was the paranoia that was bringing about the immense discomfort within her mind, but she definitely felt completely disoriented.
She gave small nods to the words that her girlfriend said as she settled herself back onto her pillow. She nodded to each instruction as she didn’t have the words to argue, but the stiffness of it made her lip tremble. She didn’t dare speak because she was sure if she did, she would just start crying again. So instead her eyes watered and she watched her wide eyed and nervous. The world felt so large; larger still with dream worlds and worlds that belonged to the dead. She felt small and vulnerable and she had no ability to hide any of those emotions. They were written all over her face.
Moira was able to catch the look on her face before she continued with her usual detached manner, stopping mid-breath to give her more instruction and simply staring. The fear on her face, the overwhelmed and panicked gaze, it was enough to feel like a knife was being driven into her gut. She had never seen her look like this, at least... not so openly. Not so easily.
She couldn't help but feel like it was her fault. For failing her. For not working harder. For killing her when maybe, just maybe...
"I'm sorry." It comes out before she can stop it, quiet and weak. She wasn't sure how to follow it up, how to figure out what she was sorry for, but she was. For everything. "I'm being cold again."
The last thing that Angela wanted was for Moira to feel any guilt. Not for what she was saying to her now and certainly not for bringing her the peace that they had both known she had desperately needed. In her eyes Moira had done absolutely nothing wrong, it was just that she was a mess right now and unable to brush it off. Her normal strong and sound mind would have taken it in stride, but she felt raw as if she was rebuilding everything despite her body’s return.
The apology and the way Moira softened as she delivered it was enough to calm her nerves. She knew her, better than perhaps anyone; at the very least more intimately. Moira was never the best at dealing with strong emotions, but the last thing Angela needed was to be cut out. In that moment it was probably the last thing she needed. Hearing her recognize the action bridged the gap and her body visible relaxed.
She reached out with a hand that was both clammy and shaky to wrap around Moira’s. Gathering her strength she swallowed. “It’s okay. It’s all okay.” It was hard to be sure who she was reassuring. Herself? Moira? Likely both of them. She let out a sigh and squeezed her fingers a little more tightly. “I’m here.”
Her throat tightened uncomfortably as she felt her hand wrap in hers, listened to her words of comfort. She shouldn't have been the one trying to reassure anyone right now. Moira knew that ought to be her job, that she should be the one being her rock and not the other way around, because it was Angela who had suffered most. She was the one who knew what it was like to die, the thing she feared above all else, and Moira knew nothing of it.
Her hand gripped hers tightly and she wasn't able to stop the shaky breath that escaped her, the tears that rolled down her cheeks. She felt the same painful wave of grief she'd felt with Reaper course through her, the same helplessness she'd berated herself for weighing on her shoulders. She let herself sit on the bed beside her lover, her head hanging, her shoulders shaking.
You need to let yourself grieve, O'Deorain.
"I'm so sorry, Angela," she whispered, not able to get her voice to be any louder than that.
Maybe it wasn’t exactly the way things were supposed to be, but Angela had no doubt at all that Moira had suffered. She was the one that had been pushed into the corner to make the choice to take the last little bit of life Angela had in order to ease her suffering; likely to the addition of her own. Moira had been the one left behind while she had walked through the valley of death. Though the details were a little foggy of her experience she knew she had been safe and that she had felt some peace. Moira had been stuck here picking up the pieces and waiting for her return. In some ways Angela believed her to the be the one that had suffered more.
Seeing her let the emotions go made her feel comforted. After all, she knew that Moira wasn’t going to lock her out as she had been terrified of a moment ago. This was real and this she could handle. Despite the wave of nausea and dizziness it brought, she sat up in bed and let her thumbs wipe at the tears. She then wrapped her arms around her once again. “You have nothing to apologize for. Just please don’t shut me out. I’m not your patient, I’m your partner.” There were more tears that fell from her eyes onto Moira’s shirt, but she didn’t care.
With a deep breath, she pulled back enough to look into her eyes. “You did good.” She offered with great sincerity as she offered as much warmth as her tired body could muster. “You stopped the pain. Please, don’t put any unnecessary pain on yourself because of it. You, were right. And I’m back now. We can continued together.” She was still shaking and she swallowed down another bout of nausea, wanting to just stay there in that moment with her as they tried to pick up the pieces of the mess they had been thrust into.
Moira let herself lean into the hug, trying to pull herself together. Not shutting her out was a difficult task to ask, not because she didn't want to be honest with her, but because she didn't want to be honest with herself. Her own emotions were too intense, too unfamiliar - they were the sort of things that had made her shut herself off in the first place. The immense discomfort always shook her to her very core and it was easier to just stop feeling all together.
Her arms wrapped around her in turn, pulling her close, trying to be gentle when she knew how much her body must be aching. She didn't want to let her go, a fear of her disappearing again lingering in her.
"I couldn't even find any answers with you gone. I should have been able to do something." The science was lost on her, swirling in her head and feeling as imaginary as the thestrals would have been before this place. "What if you get ill again? What if there's no cure? I can't keep watching you die."
The honesty went a long way for her. Those were thoughts that she would have guessed that Moira was struggling with, but it would have been exhausting to play a guessing game at the moment. Hearing it straight made everything easier. She leaned in to place a kiss against her cheek, lingering on the corner of her lip. She didn’t feel up for a full on kiss, not after getting sick, but she lingered a moment longer. Pulling back she cupped her cheek.
“Then I will return to you again. And again. I will claw my way back to you if I have to. I will not leave you alone in this.” She said it with conviction. The mere thought of it made a shiver run down her spine just from the fear of it, but she would do it. “No matter what, we are stronger together. You may be a brilliant geneticist Moira was deathly illness is my department and I could barely help you those last few days. I’m back now and I will recover from this.”
Her mind wasn’t absolute mush and the gears were already turning. “Besides, I think my blood should be taken, and the blood of those who have survived. We need antibodies and...” Just thinking about it gave her a headache and went against what she had jus been asked to do. She reached for a bucket again in order to get sick. Her mind and body was not ready to tackle those sorts of details yet. When done she wiped at her mouth and took another sip of water. “...At least, we will get those things.” She had to lay her head on the pillow then, still holding to the bucket in case. “If I believe in nothing else here, I believe in us.”
Angela's getting sick did more to pull her out of her emotions than any affection she gave her had. She was quick to hold her hair back again, to quit her crying so she could focus on her needs. The way it needed to be. She had grieved all she should have needed to, it was ridiculous to keep mulling it over in her head, wasn't it? Nothing could change what had happened. She was here now. They could only move forward and make sure it didn't happen again.
"I will hope your belief is enough, then," she said simply. She wasn't so sure she could believe, not in the moment, not when she had watched the science fail so readily over these past weeks. It had made it harder for to have confidence, something that was exceptionally rare in someone as arrogant as Moira O'Deorain.
She took a breath, going to brush some hair from Angela's face. "But we'll think about it later. You should be getting more rest. Even though I know you just woke up."
When she was sure that she was done getting sick, she handed the bucket to Moira to be set aside. Though there were irritations over the fact that this illness had taken so much from her and so much time away, there was little point to focusing on that now. The fact was that if she was going to be of any use to anyone she needed rest. Of that Moira was right.
The idea of sleep made her feel nervous. Her chest tightened at the thought of closing her eyes again and her fingers reached out to Moira for grounding once again. Her rational brain new that she was safe and her body begged her for rest and sleep. With a deep breath she breathed out the fear.
"If I rest, will you wake me?" She would agree to sleep, but she needed the reminder that it was only the sleep of the living that she would be falling into.
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no subject
She'd failed her. No matter how anyone tried to tell her otherwise, it was all she could feel. She had promised to protect her from this place and she had failed.
There were quiet shushing noises that finally managed to escape her, her grip on her tightening, one hand continuing to rub her back. "You're safe now." Here. With her. She would find a way to make sure that this place wouldn't take her from her again.
no subject
Slowly her grip eased up and the crying subsided. She'd feel embarrassed about it later, but she was dizzy and tired and aching all over. She had a brief moment where she was afraid she was had come back only to still have the virus. She glanced down at her hands and found no signs of broken flesh. She breathed a sigh of relief.
"Sorry," she whimpered more clearly than she previously had and looked up at her. There was the smallest of smiles on her lips and her eyes were full of love and adoration. "I suppose I can offer myself as your test subject now." It was completely a joke, in hopes of lightening the tension in the air.
no subject
"You'll likely be a bit disoriented for the first twenty-four hours. Paranoia is not uncommon either. You'll want to keep hydrated and fed. I've made some soup, you'll eat it whether you're hungry or not. It's better to have something in your stomach than to dry heave and you know it." All business, apparently, because otherwise it meant confronting her emotions and that was out of the question.
"Be sure to stay in bed. I don't want to hear any excuses."
no subject
She could pick up on a coldness from Moira, and in her sensitive state it made her feel small and overwhelmed. She wasn’t sure what had happened with Moira after she had been gone or during her time in the world of the dead. Angela could recall the way it had felt when Moira had started to take the life from her. In her state, it hadn’t last long and it had felt almost like simply falling. It had been a surprisingly welcoming feeling and she was been able to just let go. The thought of it made her throat tighten and she tried to refrain from another sob. Maybe it was the paranoia that was bringing about the immense discomfort within her mind, but she definitely felt completely disoriented.
She gave small nods to the words that her girlfriend said as she settled herself back onto her pillow. She nodded to each instruction as she didn’t have the words to argue, but the stiffness of it made her lip tremble. She didn’t dare speak because she was sure if she did, she would just start crying again. So instead her eyes watered and she watched her wide eyed and nervous. The world felt so large; larger still with dream worlds and worlds that belonged to the dead. She felt small and vulnerable and she had no ability to hide any of those emotions. They were written all over her face.
no subject
She couldn't help but feel like it was her fault. For failing her. For not working harder. For killing her when maybe, just maybe...
"I'm sorry." It comes out before she can stop it, quiet and weak. She wasn't sure how to follow it up, how to figure out what she was sorry for, but she was. For everything. "I'm being cold again."
no subject
The apology and the way Moira softened as she delivered it was enough to calm her nerves. She knew her, better than perhaps anyone; at the very least more intimately. Moira was never the best at dealing with strong emotions, but the last thing Angela needed was to be cut out. In that moment it was probably the last thing she needed. Hearing her recognize the action bridged the gap and her body visible relaxed.
She reached out with a hand that was both clammy and shaky to wrap around Moira’s. Gathering her strength she swallowed. “It’s okay. It’s all okay.” It was hard to be sure who she was reassuring. Herself? Moira? Likely both of them. She let out a sigh and squeezed her fingers a little more tightly. “I’m here.”
no subject
Her hand gripped hers tightly and she wasn't able to stop the shaky breath that escaped her, the tears that rolled down her cheeks. She felt the same painful wave of grief she'd felt with Reaper course through her, the same helplessness she'd berated herself for weighing on her shoulders. She let herself sit on the bed beside her lover, her head hanging, her shoulders shaking.
You need to let yourself grieve, O'Deorain.
"I'm so sorry, Angela," she whispered, not able to get her voice to be any louder than that.
no subject
Seeing her let the emotions go made her feel comforted. After all, she knew that Moira wasn’t going to lock her out as she had been terrified of a moment ago. This was real and this she could handle. Despite the wave of nausea and dizziness it brought, she sat up in bed and let her thumbs wipe at the tears. She then wrapped her arms around her once again. “You have nothing to apologize for. Just please don’t shut me out. I’m not your patient, I’m your partner.” There were more tears that fell from her eyes onto Moira’s shirt, but she didn’t care.
With a deep breath, she pulled back enough to look into her eyes. “You did good.” She offered with great sincerity as she offered as much warmth as her tired body could muster. “You stopped the pain. Please, don’t put any unnecessary pain on yourself because of it. You, were right. And I’m back now. We can continued together.” She was still shaking and she swallowed down another bout of nausea, wanting to just stay there in that moment with her as they tried to pick up the pieces of the mess they had been thrust into.
no subject
Her arms wrapped around her in turn, pulling her close, trying to be gentle when she knew how much her body must be aching. She didn't want to let her go, a fear of her disappearing again lingering in her.
"I couldn't even find any answers with you gone. I should have been able to do something." The science was lost on her, swirling in her head and feeling as imaginary as the thestrals would have been before this place. "What if you get ill again? What if there's no cure? I can't keep watching you die."
no subject
“Then I will return to you again. And again. I will claw my way back to you if I have to. I will not leave you alone in this.” She said it with conviction. The mere thought of it made a shiver run down her spine just from the fear of it, but she would do it. “No matter what, we are stronger together. You may be a brilliant geneticist Moira was deathly illness is my department and I could barely help you those last few days. I’m back now and I will recover from this.”
Her mind wasn’t absolute mush and the gears were already turning. “Besides, I think my blood should be taken, and the blood of those who have survived. We need antibodies and...” Just thinking about it gave her a headache and went against what she had jus been asked to do. She reached for a bucket again in order to get sick. Her mind and body was not ready to tackle those sorts of details yet. When done she wiped at her mouth and took another sip of water. “...At least, we will get those things.” She had to lay her head on the pillow then, still holding to the bucket in case. “If I believe in nothing else here, I believe in us.”
no subject
"I will hope your belief is enough, then," she said simply. She wasn't so sure she could believe, not in the moment, not when she had watched the science fail so readily over these past weeks. It had made it harder for to have confidence, something that was exceptionally rare in someone as arrogant as Moira O'Deorain.
She took a breath, going to brush some hair from Angela's face. "But we'll think about it later. You should be getting more rest. Even though I know you just woke up."
no subject
The idea of sleep made her feel nervous. Her chest tightened at the thought of closing her eyes again and her fingers reached out to Moira for grounding once again. Her rational brain new that she was safe and her body begged her for rest and sleep. With a deep breath she breathed out the fear.
"If I rest, will you wake me?" She would agree to sleep, but she needed the reminder that it was only the sleep of the living that she would be falling into.